Due to prolonged personal reasons this site is unavailable.
I have had a difficult last 2 years at the hands of a Narcissist who has treated me with total disrespect and lied, cheated and deceived me to such lengths that it has left a permanent scar from which I have to attempt to heal. Somehow, sometime. Too distant to see. Too far to reach.
I am lucky to have escaped when I did and I am certainly not the one that has lost, if you can ever bring love down to levels of winners and losers. One day she will realise what life is truly about or what it was intended to be. I will not be there to see it but she will know it. When she feels the pain of loss that I have endured, so will she one day and then truly see a world of empathy. A world of others.
Such a self-centred person is not worthy of the love and total honesty I give and gave. The sad thing is that I am still in love with her, but with the person she portrayed herself to be and not who she truly is and eventually showed her true self to be. With only herself in mind.
I will probably always love that non-existent person and miss her every day.
As much as I miss my heart that I gave her, to protect and value, while she destroyed it forever. Never will I be able to love with trust again.
Such was the bond I thought existed between us and the commitment to each other for life. A bond I truly believed in, was convinced of and told was there in return. So many times. So convincingly.
That I am afraid is what someone with this disorder can do to a sensitive loving soul and naturally the scars of her condition and mental disorder need healing from and while I rebuild my own worth this site is dormant. Art is an expression, I have none to give anymore, I have no soul to create it.
I have suffered a very hard life (not trying to encourage pity, but perhaps empathy from non narcissists.) I have endured cancer and soul tearing chemo. Lost my mother to the same fate and watched her slowly die from it. I miss her and think of her daily, at times how proud she would be of me and at times sobbing in my hands for her to shield and protect me from the pain, but she cannot.
Had a few prominent relationships, all of which lied, cheated and deceived all for their own ends and justifications. Even my own family have lied and deceived me for most of my life, finally finding out my father wasn’t my father at the age of 40. This was told to me by an ex-wife who was, at that time cheating with another man and used this knowledge to throw me and cover her tracks. Even now, supposed family, lie and justify, deceive and proclaim their honesty.
To deceive and lie because you want to gain does not justify your actions when you use the deception as "we deceived you so it wouldn’t hurt you, it was the kindest thing to do". The hurt is in the need to deceive, not what you do while you do so. But you will never see this, you are too self-centred to see beyond your needs and wants. Unable to feel me, understand me, be honest and loving as I have been. All you know is getting what you want and anything is justified in that mind. Thank god it’s your mind and not mine. One day you will see, be shown, and learn. Regret.
Without the support of a tiny number of true friends I would not be alive today, which I should thank, but sometimes, I have, wished they would have set me free. They know me for my honesty and love, and trust me knowing I have earnt it.
Despite those past events, which you would imagine show the strength I have at times found, this final straw of calculated suffering and intentional pain with abject cruelty and only self-centred reasons has brought me to my knees screaming in deep agony. I guess a heart can only take so much. And she made sure she took it, well what remained. Justification rings aloud I’m sure. Even months past.
Even now, deception continues, justifications, twisted honesties. I feel them, I know them. “We shall keep this secret to avoid causing more pain” ha-ha, listen to yourselves, proclaim your rights as you commit your wrongs. Find a mirror, look. Think. Not at what you see, but at what you are.
How the story ends is of course an open book, the pages still not wet from the tears. But it’s hard to see the remaining pages contain much length, much change from those before them and only a final suffering ending, without an index or dedications. A few tiny cares and little effect on the world.
All I sought in life was love, honesty and respect. Not much to ask? Apparently it was.
As I find escape in writing a trilogy of books, the last one almost finished, perhaps I have found an outlet to show the way my heart feels, to display the way such evil has caused pain. Possibly to leave a legacy in my name, an accomplishment of sorts, from me to me. But deep, so deep inside its words, lies the truths of behaviours of these people and their way of living, despite others, not with others.
As the way I have been treated lives in my characters perhaps I should be grateful that I have been shown the depths some people can go to, living in reality, pretending to be what they are not, disgusting to those that see behind the masks, portrayed in amongst my conjured story, you live, you are seen.
It you are unlucky enough to encounter such a person I have a deep empathy for you, unlike a narcissist is incapable of feeling.
I hope the details of this personality disorder below will help you and guide you out of it as quickly as possible. Good luck.
A relationship with a Narcissist has been compared to being on a roller coaster, with immense highs and immense lows. They have been described as the proverbial Jekyll and Hyde, one way one minute, another the next.
People usually get into relationships for love and the need to connect and bond with another. Narcissists get into relationships for entirely different reasons. They do not feel love and they lack the ability to connect and form normal attachment bonds with others.
Narcissists need people more than anyone. Because their entire sense of self-esteem and self-worth is dependent on the admiration of others, their emotions are a precarious balance of needing others and needing to be left alone.
Narcissists feel an enormous void inside of them. This void is ever present and the only thing that fills it, is the love and esteem of another. The fix is always temporary though. A Narcissist describes it this way, “It’s like my brain is constantly seeking something. It’s like I’m always chasing a carrot at the end of a stick. Nothing I do satisfies me, at least not for long. I feel like I only do things because I’m supposed to, because society does it. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone.”
completely self-absorbed and are oblivious to the wants and needs of others.
They enter into relationships in an attempt to fill this void and to make sure
that they have someone who is always available for sex, an ego stroke or
whatever need they may have. A relationship with a Narcissist always follows
three phases, the over-evaluations phase, the devaluation phase and the discard
The Over-evaluation Phase
A Narcissist is very careful when choosing a target. Typically, they will choose a victim based on their status. They must be attractive, popular, rich or extremely gifted in some area. The greater the status, the higher the value the Narcissist places on the Supply derived.
Once a target has been chosen, it’s almost like the Narcissist gets tunnel vision. They are hyper-vigilant in their pursuit and will project the perfect image that their victim wants them to be. They are excessively caring, loving and attentive at this stage. They shower their targets with attention, compliments and literally sweep them off their feet.
They place their target on a pedestal, idolize and worship them. Their target is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Here the Narcissist is ecstatic, full of hopes and dreams. They will talk and think about them constantly, they are euphoric. This is as close as a Narcissist will ever get to feeling love. This kind of idolization is what others would call infatuation.
The victim is likely so caught up in all the attention and is usually thinking at this point, that they have found their soul-mate. Their pursuer is exactly what they want in a partner (because the Narcissist is mirroring what they have learned appeals to their target) and they can’t believe how lucky they are and that this catch is still single.
What they don’t know, or could ever be prepared for, is what comes next.
The Devaluation Stage
The Over-Evaluation phase, if you’re dealing with a Somatic Narcissist, usually lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of months, just long enough for the Narcissist to be confident that they have secured their target’s love and devotion. Unbeknownst to the target, what they were witnessing in the early phase was the Narcissist’s false self. In this second phase, the mask comes off and the Narcissist starts to reveal their true colours.
The shift could be gradual or almost seemingly overnight. Suddenly the attention they so lavishly gave you is gone and replace by indifference and silence. Days or weeks could go by and you won’t hear from them. They don’t return your phone calls, they don’t keep a single promise and you’re starting to suspect that they might be involved with someone else. The target is left baffled and confused and wondering what they did wrong to cause such an abrupt turnaround.
Narcissists become bored easily and what usually starts happening in their heads at this stage, is that the void begins to emerge again. The high they were feeding off of is waning and they begin to question your worthiness, that perhaps you weren’t so special after all, because if you were then the void wouldn’t still be there.
They become moody and agitated easily, blaming you for even the slightest transgression. They start to disappear more frequently and they give you the silent treatment in an attempt to create distance. As the Narcissist withdraws, the target starts to cling and your demands for his attention and your need to understand what’s happening, grate on his nerves. The harder you cling the more the Narcissist pulls away. They start to blame and criticize the target for everything, treating them like an emotional punching bag.
At this point the target is an emotional wreck. The Narcissist has left without any explanation and they can’t figure out how one minute they were put on a pedestal and now it’s like they doesn’t even exist. The Narcissist is a projector and they are projecting their emotional turmoil onto you. They feed off of other people’s misery (as long as it’s caused by them) just as much as they feeds off of your admiration, either way it makes no difference to them.
It is this person, this cruel, indifferent, unfeeling, sadist that is the behind the mask. Most targets desperately try to find the one they fell in love with. What they don’t realize is that that person never existed. They were a facade an act put on by the Narcissist to secure their Supply.
The Narcissist will take
no responsibility for their actions, because they simply don’t care how they’ve
treated you or how you are feeling.
Narcissists are not capable of forming normal healthy attachments to people. Those that aren’t familiar with the disorder are completely at a loss to understand how unnecessarily cruel their behavior can be. The target was never more than an object to the Narcissist, whose usefulness is on the decline.
The Narcissist isn’t one to throw away a potential piece of supply though. They will keep up this I love you, I love you not charade going for as long as it suits them or as long as you allow it. They will breeze in and out of your life as if nothing ever happened, completely oblivious and indifferent to your suffering.
This mind fuck is deliberate and they will keep feeding you crumbs of attention, just enough to keep you emotionally invested and available to cater to their every need.
At some point one of two things will happen: either they will find a new target and begin phase one with them, thus ignoring you completely, or you will have had enough of his psychotic abuse and you will take control and put an end to it, thus ushering In phase three.
The Discard Phase
It is almost baffling to watch the ease at which a Narcissist can pull away from his partners. Many targets are left asking themselves, “Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him?” The simple answer is no. No one means anything to him. Women are only a means to an end – to obtain the much needed Narcissistic Supply. Once your usefulness has run its course, you will be discarded abruptly and cruelly, without warning.
Trying to get over a relationship with a Narcissist is extremely difficult. Once it is over the target is usually an emotional wreck, whose self-esteem has been annihilated by the persistent demeaning behavior, insults and cruelty of the Narcissist. Depending on when they were able to break free, the target maybe a shadow of their former self, with a lot of work ahead of them to rebuild their shattered self-image.
As a victim tries to pick up the pieces, What must be remembered is that you were deliberately targeted, lied to and manipulated by a skilled con-artist, for their own gain. There was nothing you could have done differently and none of this was your fault. The Narcissist will repeat this pattern with every person, every time, bar none.
All former targets must be vigilantly on guard, because a Narcissist always reserves the right to revisit a former source of supply, no matter how much time has passed or how badly they’ve behaved.
Once you have broken free you must close the door on any and all contact, because if you don’t you’re headed back to a watered down version of Phase One – over and over and over again.